An Artist in my Own Right

At times I can be an egomaniac with an inferiority complex.  I grew up with a previously mentioned sense of not being good enough, and yet, I KNEW I could be good at certain skills.  I always had the sense that if I could not be in the top-ten percent of something, I needed to quit.  Because… you know, I wouldn’t be able to do anything with the skill anyway if so many people were better than me.

Unfortunately for me, I went to high school in a liberal-arts town.  I loved to draw.  I took all the Art classes I could.  Oftentimes I was in the Art room when I wasn’t allowed to be.  However, it was quite clear that I was never going to be a good artist compared to the people around me.

So I quit.



Over a decade later I am finally pursuing art again, but this time, with a clear knowledge that I don’t have to be the best… I don’t even have to be great.  I am “kinda” good, and I hope to get better.  Mostly, I enjoy creating, and I enjoy seeing something wonderful to me on what was once a blank sheet of paper.  And I love how dirty my hands and clothes get during the process.

As a Christmas present to me, I bought myself a half-priced easel and some pastel chalks.  I’ve never really worked with color before, though I always wished I could make art that had color.  The chalks were fairly cheap, so I grabbed them, fought the voice asking me what the point was, and treated myself to some creative tools.

About once a month I play some Radiohead, Beck, Weezer, or whatever is on shuffle, and go for it.

This was my first drawing in December of 2011.

January of 2012

 

February 2012

My Art teacher in high school often lectured us that drawings of photographs were not art.  Now that I am drawing for me, I am allowing myself to use photographs.  The next one is from a photo.  I was told she looks like she is having a stroke, but what can you do? 

April 2012

May 2012 (also from a photo)

Sorry if I just Pwned your upload time. 

Finding My Own Missing Piece: Lessons Learned by Being Single Part I

I was a late bloomer. 

I spent most of my childhood ugly and fat, and I spent the rest of my childhood believing I was ugly and fat.  Along with these beliefs, Catholic upbringing, and being reminded repeatedly as a child that I was annoying and “weird”, I grew up believing I was unworthy, annoying, and not good enough for any boy to like me. 

I got my first boyfriend when I was 17 and never looked back.  Each relationship lasted about a year, and each time (except one, who, at the time, broke my heart) I was the one who ended the relationship.  I was certain I had a one-year dooms-day timer.  A final factor in my doomed relationship makeup was that I often selected guys I felt were somehow below me, whether in status, looks, or social skills. 

More than love, I needed to be loved, and if guys had to live in fear of losing me, I wouldn’t have to live in fear of losing them.  I would finally be loved above all else, and I would be complete. 

I am aware this behavior is a bit sick, and it took me finally being single and willing to honestly look at myself to realize I was doing this.  We all have reasons of why we do what we do, and we will find those reasons if we are willing to see the ugly truth.  While I will not excuse my behavior, I will share that my choice in boyfriends may have stemmed in part from the first crush I had who actually seemed to like me back.  He was a good looking hippy who already had facial hair!  He seemed to like me, we kissed a few times, and then he set me up with his nerdy friend while he then hooked up with my hot friend. 

His nerdy friend was a great guy, and we spend a year together, with no real spark, but I didn’t really know what a spark was or that I should be feeling it in the first place.  Either way, that situation helped burn my perceived social ranking into my brain.  Hot guys?  They don’t want me.  

For better or worse, that is a bit of my history. 

Since those early relationship discoveries, I have spent almost my entire life in one relationship or another.  My single life consisted of a couple weeks or months at a time.  Being single was uncomfortable.  The usual questions crept up: Will I ever find love again? What if no one wants me?  What if I am too ugly? What if this was the best I was ever going to have?

This last relationship lasted seven years, a feat I didn’t think I was capable of.  He was a good man, and I regret many of my actions to this day.  I also know that the relationship needed to end and spent a great deal of time in the obligatory maybe-he-or-I-will-change-and-everything-will-be-good phase.  After this relationship of still not feeling complete, or healthy, or altogether happy, I finally made a change.

I decided to be single…

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Photo/painting by me.  All rights reserved.

Finding My Own Missing Piece: Lessons Learned by Being Single Part II

I decided to be single.

Not just temporarily single, not a rest or a breather while secretly waiting for the next guy.  I decided to be with me, just me, and work on being complete and happy unto myself. 

I decided to have my home, my art, my music, my space, my reading… my life.  I was finally willing to accept the idea that if I can’t be happy with myself, I am not going to be happy with anyone else.  This concept was just one of many ideas I was certain only applied to other people. 

So here I am, a year and a half later, single.  I have not dated or sought a man.  And here are a few of the lessons I have learned:

1. I am a very selfish person. 

I always viewed love in terms of what I could get out of it, and was never willing to give more than I took.

2. There is nothing wrong with romance novels.

Hey, I needed something to pass the time.

3.  It is not “his fault” that I am not out traveling, making great art, finding new bands, playing the piano, writing, hiking, and taking risks.

How I Imagined Single Life

 I don’t do these things because I am poor, have high-anxiety, and well, I can be a bit lazy.  I have finally started working on these things.  I create art about once a month, I am taking piano lessons once or twice a month, I occasionally find a new band, and I work to step out of my comfort zone.  However, all the hurdles keeping me from these things stem within me.  It is my journey, and my trials. 

I will not be playing a piano concert soon, nor will I have a showing at an art gallery any time soon.  I also will not be driving across the country any time soon.  Maybe I’ll get to do these things eventually, but I have only acquired a small portion of what I was certain would instantaneously happen if some guy wasn’t standing in my way. 

Actual Single Life

During this time I developed an unnatural love for Richard Blaiz, Agent Booth, Gary from Alphas, and Dr. Brian Cox.

4.  Copy and paste above text, but insert “hanging out with my friends”. 

Sorry guys. 

5.  I fall for people who fall for me. 

Yup, I am attracted to attraction, in love with love. I’ve actually had very few instances in the last year and a half when I thought, “Man!  That guy is cute.  How can I get him to notice me?”  (Ok, at least I haven’t felt this about real people.  I still think I am gong to marry Dr. Brian Cox from the Discovery Channel or Agent Booth from Bones. )  

Physics is Sexy

After seeing this amazing drawing, Dr. Cox is totally going to want to talk all sciencey to me and marry me. I think he will like his Abe-Lincoln beard that was supposed to be shading because I made his face too fat and didn’t want to start over.   Emo hair, yum.

 So, without getting into relationship-seeking mode, my next goal is to look around and see who and what I am attracted to without them showing an obvious attraction to me. If the world was my smorgasbord, what would I want to put on my plate?

6. I am not different from other women.  

I have the same fears that I used to belittle.  I am 32.  Is it too late to get married?  Is it too late to have a kid?  Will a guy want me with my wrinkles and stretch marks?  How do I fit in?  How do I make friends?  How do I get rid of the unwanted aspects of my personality and fill those holes with the things I wanted to be?

One thing single life has given me is the ability to look at myself and work on changing myself… mostly because I no longer have the option of looking at and wanting to change the flaws in someone else.  It has been a very good year for me, and I hope to continue shedding my fears until I can walk, smile, live, laugh, and love, unafraid. I know it is my journey now, and not some natural-born right that is being taken from me.  There are certain truths we can only experience because we’ll never believe it if someone tells us. 
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Flower http://www.flickr.com/photos/pinksherbet/3457443391/
Love http://www.flickr.com/photos/camdiluv/4373811197/sizes/s/in/photostream/
Drawings by me.  If you share them, please share where you got them.

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/deed.en