I decided to be single.
Not just temporarily single, not a rest or a breather while secretly waiting for the next guy. I decided to be with me, just me, and work on being complete and happy unto myself.
I decided to have my home, my art, my music, my space, my reading… my life. I was finally willing to accept the idea that if I can’t be happy with myself, I am not going to be happy with anyone else. This concept was just one of many ideas I was certain only applied to other people.
So here I am, a year and a half later, single. I have not dated or sought a man. And here are a few of the lessons I have learned:
1. I am a very selfish person.
I always viewed love in terms of what I could get out of it, and was never willing to give more than I took.
2. There is nothing wrong with romance novels.
Hey, I needed something to pass the time.
3. It is not “his fault” that I am not out traveling, making great art, finding new bands, playing the piano, writing, hiking, and taking risks.
How I Imagined Single Life
I don’t do these things because I am poor, have high-anxiety, and well, I can be a bit lazy. I have finally started working on these things. I create art about once a month, I am taking piano lessons once or twice a month, I occasionally find a new band, and I work to step out of my comfort zone. However, all the hurdles keeping me from these things stem within me. It is my journey, and my trials.
I will not be playing a piano concert soon, nor will I have a showing at an art gallery any time soon. I also will not be driving across the country any time soon. Maybe I’ll get to do these things eventually, but I have only acquired a small portion of what I was certain would instantaneously happen if some guy wasn’t standing in my way.
Actual Single Life
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During this time I developed an unnatural love for Richard Blaiz, Agent Booth, Gary from Alphas, and Dr. Brian Cox. |
4. Copy and paste above text, but insert “hanging out with my friends”.
Sorry guys.
5. I fall for people who fall for me.
Yup, I am attracted to attraction, in love with love. I’ve actually had very few instances in the last year and a half when I thought, “Man! That guy is cute. How can I get him to notice me?” (Ok, at least I haven’t felt this about real people. I still think I am gong to marry Dr. Brian Cox from the Discovery Channel or Agent Booth from Bones. )
Physics is Sexy
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After seeing this amazing drawing, Dr. Cox is totally going to want to talk all sciencey to me and marry me. I think he will like his Abe-Lincoln beard that was supposed to be shading because I made his face too fat and didn’t want to start over. Emo hair, yum. |
So, without getting into relationship-seeking mode, my next goal is to look around and see who and what I am attracted to without them showing an obvious attraction to me. If the world was my smorgasbord, what would I want to put on my plate?
6. I am not different from other women.
I have the same fears that I used to belittle. I am 32. Is it too late to get married? Is it too late to have a kid? Will a guy want me with my wrinkles and stretch marks? How do I fit in? How do I make friends? How do I get rid of the unwanted aspects of my personality and fill those holes with the things I wanted to be?
One thing single life has given me is the ability to look at myself and work on changing myself… mostly because I no longer have the option of looking at and wanting to change the flaws in someone else. It has been a very good year for me, and I hope to continue shedding my fears until I can walk, smile, live, laugh, and love, unafraid. I know it is my journey now, and not some natural-born right that is being taken from me. There are certain truths we can only experience because we’ll never believe it if someone tells us. ______________________________________________
Flower http://www.flickr.com/photos/pinksherbet/3457443391/
Love http://www.flickr.com/photos/camdiluv/4373811197/sizes/s/in/photostream/
Drawings by me. If you share them, please share where you got them.