Nice Guy Myths Part II: (Dude, Seriously, It Might be You)

Myth #3: Falling in Love Often- Means the Same thing as Loving Deeply… Because I’m Such a Nice Guy

 Disclaimer:  As before, when you see “men” or “guys”, please insert your own “(or girls)” after it.  I got tired of putting all those in myself.  >.>

If you walk into each new dating situation believing you may have found the future mother of your children, then you probably don’t even notice the actual woman  who is in front of you… who she is, what she likes, her quirks, or her passions.   

It is likely you are so focused on finding “A” woman to fit into your future that you wouldn’t know the right woman if she smacked you upside the head. 

If you find your heart is being broken every other week, then it is likely you are giving your heart away with waaaaaay too much ease, and possibly for no greater reason than “Ug… you woman.  You complete me.”

You don’t meet a person once a month who is worthy of receiving your pin number or computer password, so why give over something as precious as your heart to every cute person who says yes within a couple weeks’ time?

 

If your love life looks like this, then being “too nice” is not your problem.

 

1 Day Later

 

 

5 Days Later

 

 

3.5 Days Later

 

 

The Next Day…

 

 

The Next, Next Day…

 

 

One Week Later

 

 

If this level of love desperation is occurring in your life, then it is likely that the woman in your life knows… and your presence smells like that of a wounded zebra slowly dangling behind the herd.  We can smell it, and our primal instincts are telling us to promptly look at that tree over there with that neat leaf that turned orange even though we are still a month away from Autumn and pretend we don’t see you.

 We know the buzzards are circling, and we have no interest to be generic woman #22 who said yes. 

 

We want to be the woman you WANTED to say yes.

Oh yeah, and being nice is not synonymous with being a stalker.

Seriously.

In Conclusion:

This isn’t to say don’t take chances, don’t give your heart away, or that you should immediately harden your heart and make the *&%$#$#  EARN that  %$#$@!  It is saying to have some discernment.  Maybe discover if you actually like the person (you know, for WHO they are instead for simply being in front of you) before you start crossing over into the land of the L-word. 

 

And please… talk to the person before updating your Facebook status. 

You’re Welcome.

Nice Guy Myths Part I: (Maybe it’s You)

I’ve heard a lot from self-proclaimed “nice guys” about how their relationships don’t work BECAUSE they are nice guys.  They decided girls are self-loathing, evil people who only want guys who treat them like dirt.  

While these girls (and guys) do exist, it is my belief they are the minority. Though, don’t get me wrong, a lot of girls (and guys) do like a sprinkle of naughty in the nice mates they choose.   People don’t want ALL nice ALL the time (wink wink).

DISCLAIMER:  *WARNING* WARNING*:  I am not at all saying that nice guys (or girls) have it equally as easy or easier than bad boys (or girls).  There have been plenty of times when I’ve wondered WHY cool guys were dating horribly jerky girls.

Also, from this point on, please add an (or girls) after I say “guys” for me because I don’t want to keep adding that in… it makes my little fingers hurt and it makes mah… words… feel… choppy.

What gets me about the “nice guy” myth is that “nice guys” seem to believe that being nice is their only flaw.  Like,

“OooOOOooh, she would have been mine if I
wasn’t so friendly and caring!” 

Yeah, women totally hate friendly and caring… Be gone, evil beast!

I personally don’t see many people (who aren’t severely damaged) running far and fast from kindness and caring. 

Myth #1:  Nothing Else is Wrong With You
Maybe something like this is happening instead:

Sorry Nice Guys, but what may really be happening here is a severe lack of introspection and self-reflection.  Similar to how in job interviews there is always that one dork face who claims his only flaw is perfectionism. 

Yeah, bosses totally hate perfectionists. 

Maybe it is easier to think that the opposite sex isn’t that into you because you are SO overqualified instead of actually looking inside yourself and seeing if there is something to improve.

Myth #2: Being “Nice” and Being a Pushover is Basically the Same Thing 

Lacking a spine, or dating while constantly in fear that you’ll do something wrong to upset your date isn’t the same as being nice.

I’ve never hung out with a girl (pardon my anecdotal evidence)  who spent our coffee time complaining that a guy complimented her, opened her door, laughed at her jokes, or cared about her interests.

However, here is an example complaint I have heard before:

You can be a wonderfully kind a loving guy and still have your own passions, beliefs, preferences, opinions, and choices.   Frankly, a lot of girls think it is cool when you can hold your own in a healthy debate/discussion or introduce her to something she never thought she’d do before.

 To Be Continued…

Finding My Own Missing Piece: Lessons Learned by Being Single Part II

I decided to be single.

Not just temporarily single, not a rest or a breather while secretly waiting for the next guy.  I decided to be with me, just me, and work on being complete and happy unto myself. 

I decided to have my home, my art, my music, my space, my reading… my life.  I was finally willing to accept the idea that if I can’t be happy with myself, I am not going to be happy with anyone else.  This concept was just one of many ideas I was certain only applied to other people. 

So here I am, a year and a half later, single.  I have not dated or sought a man.  And here are a few of the lessons I have learned:

1. I am a very selfish person. 

I always viewed love in terms of what I could get out of it, and was never willing to give more than I took.

2. There is nothing wrong with romance novels.

Hey, I needed something to pass the time.

3.  It is not “his fault” that I am not out traveling, making great art, finding new bands, playing the piano, writing, hiking, and taking risks.

How I Imagined Single Life

 I don’t do these things because I am poor, have high-anxiety, and well, I can be a bit lazy.  I have finally started working on these things.  I create art about once a month, I am taking piano lessons once or twice a month, I occasionally find a new band, and I work to step out of my comfort zone.  However, all the hurdles keeping me from these things stem within me.  It is my journey, and my trials. 

I will not be playing a piano concert soon, nor will I have a showing at an art gallery any time soon.  I also will not be driving across the country any time soon.  Maybe I’ll get to do these things eventually, but I have only acquired a small portion of what I was certain would instantaneously happen if some guy wasn’t standing in my way. 

Actual Single Life

During this time I developed an unnatural love for Richard Blaiz, Agent Booth, Gary from Alphas, and Dr. Brian Cox.

4.  Copy and paste above text, but insert “hanging out with my friends”. 

Sorry guys. 

5.  I fall for people who fall for me. 

Yup, I am attracted to attraction, in love with love. I’ve actually had very few instances in the last year and a half when I thought, “Man!  That guy is cute.  How can I get him to notice me?”  (Ok, at least I haven’t felt this about real people.  I still think I am gong to marry Dr. Brian Cox from the Discovery Channel or Agent Booth from Bones. )  

Physics is Sexy

After seeing this amazing drawing, Dr. Cox is totally going to want to talk all sciencey to me and marry me. I think he will like his Abe-Lincoln beard that was supposed to be shading because I made his face too fat and didn’t want to start over.   Emo hair, yum.

 So, without getting into relationship-seeking mode, my next goal is to look around and see who and what I am attracted to without them showing an obvious attraction to me. If the world was my smorgasbord, what would I want to put on my plate?

6. I am not different from other women.  

I have the same fears that I used to belittle.  I am 32.  Is it too late to get married?  Is it too late to have a kid?  Will a guy want me with my wrinkles and stretch marks?  How do I fit in?  How do I make friends?  How do I get rid of the unwanted aspects of my personality and fill those holes with the things I wanted to be?

One thing single life has given me is the ability to look at myself and work on changing myself… mostly because I no longer have the option of looking at and wanting to change the flaws in someone else.  It has been a very good year for me, and I hope to continue shedding my fears until I can walk, smile, live, laugh, and love, unafraid. I know it is my journey now, and not some natural-born right that is being taken from me.  There are certain truths we can only experience because we’ll never believe it if someone tells us. 
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Flower http://www.flickr.com/photos/pinksherbet/3457443391/
Love http://www.flickr.com/photos/camdiluv/4373811197/sizes/s/in/photostream/
Drawings by me.  If you share them, please share where you got them.

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/deed.en